Comedy

All of us need a good laugh at our computer sometimes. Try these...

Lorena Bobbit Virus
-- turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Woody Allen Virus
-- bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Tonya Harding Virus
-- turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere Virus
-- warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
-- instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Joey Buttafuaco Virus
-- only attacks minor files
Ronald Reagan Virus
-- saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda Virus
-- attacks your hard drive's FAT
Oprah Winfrey virus
-- your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T Virus
-- every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI Virus
-- every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Politically Correct Virus
-- never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as "electronic microorganism"
Adam and Eve Virus
-- takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Airline Virus
-- you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian Virus
-- your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS Virus
-- your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
LAPD Virus
-- it claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense"
Mike Tyson Virus
-- it takes a byte out of every file
O.J. Virus
-- it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently, he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hog; has taken all his space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law and Brother-In-Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0:

• A "Don't Remind Me Again" button,
• A Minimize button,
• A Shutdown feature,
• An InstallShield feature so that GirlFriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects), and
• An "Abort" button.

I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed. They tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0, but it didn't have an Uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it left files and things all over the place. Another thing I don't like: in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used, they are totally "object oriented" and only support hardware with gold plated contacts.

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.